Steven Wright Humor
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

The speed of time is one second per second.

I was once arrested for resisting arrest.

My father was a small claims court jester.

What's the youngest you can die of old age?

I have a fax machine with "fax waiting."

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

On my walls I have pictures of the rooms on the second floor, so I never have to go upstairs.

I bought some dehydrated water, but I don't know what to add to it.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for 5 minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing [mimes steering wheel]? This steers it."

Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.


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While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic.

I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.

I had parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I once put instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time.

I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I say "Come here, Stay!" After a while the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.

I spilled Spot Remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2 inches taller.

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

Last year for Christmas, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I thought I'd put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said they were behind the couch. She was right.

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.


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Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "cut it out!"

Sponges grow in the ocean. That kills me! I wonder how much deeper they'd be if that didn't happen.

The judge asked, "what do you plead?" I said, "Insanity. Your honor, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkys on the escalator.

Having sex with Mary is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.

I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, "Do you know the speed limit here is 50 miles per hour?" So I said, "Oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far."

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "wish you were here."

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.


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I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes."

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said pet supplies. So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said compact cars.

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.


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You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "What for?"

I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

I eat Swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

Is tired old cliche one?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les. In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

I went to a garage sale. How much for the garage? It's not for sale.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow this." I said, " I will!"

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, Let me ask you a question, "If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."


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I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. We're surrounded.

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.

Doin' a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, " Go ahead, touch it. It feels real."

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TVs all over the world.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.

My school colors were clear. "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.


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I wrote a few children's books, but not on purpose.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."

A poor pickup line: So, do you live around here often?

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child eventually.

(Referring to a glass of water) I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I'd say, "have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

I was reading the dictionary, I thought it was a poem about everything.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids, I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and ask the guy, "Do you have any toy train schedules?"

When I was 8, I played little league. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge.

The other day I... no wait, that wasn't me.

You know how it feels when you're leaning back on a chair, and you lean too far back, and you almost fall over backwards, but then you catch yourself at the last second? I feel like that all the time.

There is a thin line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world. Perhaps you've seen it.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't understand what he said.

Then there's the story he tells about meeting the blond Chinese girl on a bus who tells him all her problems. She says she is on her way to therapy, because she is a nymphomaniac, but she only gets turned on by Jewish cowboys. She then says, "by the way, what is your name?" He says, "Hi, I'm Bucky Goldstein."


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I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building. I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See? That's how it's done."

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

I have a map of the United States, actual size. It says "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it.

If you melt dry ice in a pool and go swimming, will you get wet?

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes, I need them.

Power outage at a department store yesterday, twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving. Every half mile. We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip, but I don't remember what it was.

One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I turned it, and the whole building started up. So I drove it around. A policeman stopped me for going too fast. He said, "Where do you live?" I said, "Right here!" Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway.

I saw a close friend of mine the other day. He said, "Steven, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want, my phone has no 5 on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know, my calendar has no 7s on it."

For a while I didn't have a car. I had a helicopter, but no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running.

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?


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The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.

I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me. I pushed 1 and he just stood there. I said, "Hi, where are you going?" He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in. We were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said, "You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with." We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert, then the phone rang. He said, "You get it." I picked it up and said, "Hello?" The other side said, "Is this Steven Wright?" I said, "Yes" The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank. It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you. We would just like to know what happened to the money?" I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon, and I would appreciate it if you never called me again."

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.

I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says "Here, you can go."

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24-hours." He said, "Yeah, but not in a row."

My neighbor has a circular driveway; he can't get out.

I was born by Caesarian Section, but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912. Well, to make a long story short...

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.


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I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said it's "Free With Purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "hey, these records are all blank."

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish, I turned it on and went to sleep, the record got stuck, the next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don't know how I got there.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach. it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said the whole time.

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep. I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's really easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said, "I thought I told you to go to sleep!"

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

They say we're 90% water. We're that close to drowning (picks up his glass of water from the stool). I like to live on the edge.

I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.

Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.

I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and "Ooooohhhhhh, that's much better."

I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one. It wasn't doing what I was doing.

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 30 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.

I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don't get it.

I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.


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